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  I’ve really tried to make amends for my past. My exchanges with women are more about their liberation than my entertainment, though I won’t deny that it’s a hell of a lot of fun. And honesty is always my first priority – plenty of games, but no lies. That’s my golden rule. But all this time, I’ve been pretending that the lie my relationship with Tina is built on isn’t all that important. Now that I’m truly falling in love with her, I just can’t pretend any more. She deserves to know.

  And while I’m at it, it would be a good time to put the rest out there as well. Like why my family doesn’t talk to me any more, since I missed my brother’s wedding because I was fucking the pastor’s 20-year-old daughter in the church storage room. Or the fact that Marilyn sucked my dick on more than one occasion when we were colleagues and the arrangement meant that I had to take a backseat when the CEO came calling to promote one of us. That cold bitch has been holding that shit over my head for years.

  The list goes on, but I thought I’d put all that behind me. If I allow myself to accept this lie between us, then I’ll be starting back down that same twisted road – and that’s definitely not what I want for her.

  Tina’s bell rings and I’ve already decided to discuss all of this with her over dinner. Hopefully she’ll understand and we’ll end up making love without the shadow of how we got together looming over us any more. I just want to protect what I think is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She deserves that and so much more.

  I open the door with a big smile, awaiting her to step into my embrace. But it isn’t Tina who’s standing there, it’s Jared. The look on his face says it all.

  ‘What the fuck?’ He steps into the room, pushing past me. ‘Tina?!’

  ‘She isn’t home.’ I’m scrambling to gain my bearings.

  ‘But you are? I thought you said you didn’t know my girlfriend.’ His eyes are wild with anger, as I feel my own blood start to boil.

  ‘First of all, she’s not your girlfriend, not any more. So I think you should just turn the fuck around and walk out of here.’ I can tell he wants to hit me, and I’m thinking let him try it.

  He takes a breath instead. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘I’m telling you that she’s done with you, man. She’s got nothing to say to you.’

  ‘Is that right? You didn’t even know who she was, and now you know what she’s thinking? How long have you been fucking her, huh?’ He steps into my face and now it’s me with my fist restrained at my side, out of respect for Tina’s apartment.

  ‘Long enough to know that it’s over between you two. Now just get the fuck out. Or I will make you.’ I hear bags rustling and my blood runs cold.

  ‘Jared, what are you doing here?’ Tina is standing behind him, concealed entirely by his large frame.

  ‘Tina–’ we both start simultaneously, competing to be the first one to speak.

  ‘Wait,’ she says. ‘Jared, I didn’t call you back for a reason. How dare you just show up here? I was finished with you from the moment you put your dick in that girl’s mouth.’

  ‘Tina, this motherfucker here introduced me to that girl. Did you know that?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Of course he didn’t tell you, he’s a fucking liar. He told me he didn’t even know who you were.’

  ‘Tina, don’t listen to him. He’ll say anything to get you back. No one forced him to cheat on you.’

  ‘Noemi was a mistake, Tina, a really bad mistake.’

  ‘Noemi?!’ She sounds so horrified, her voice cuts me deep.

  Jared presses on. ‘I love you, Tina. I know that now. It took a month for me to realise it, but I don’t want to be with anyone else.’

  ‘Tina, he’s full of shit. Let me explain why I did what I did.’ I’m hoping she’ll see the truth about who really loves her but, Tina’s eyes look glazed over and I can tell she’s not hearing anything either of us is saying. Her expression rips a hole in me and I know what she’s going to say before she even says it.

  ‘Both of you, just leave me alone!’

  ‘Tina, please. Hear me out,’ I reach for her hand but she quickly pulls it back from my reach, with tears pooling in her eyes.

  ‘No, don’t ... I can’t ... just go.’

  ‘You heard her, get out,’ Jared says in the midst of draping his arms around her.

  ‘I want you both to get out.’ When neither of us makes a move, she restates her request. ‘Now!’ She points to the door. ‘I didn’t fucking stutter!’

  And that’s it. I have to leave her standing there hurt, betrayed ... hating me.

  She pushes Jared out after me and the door shuts with a loud clap.

  ‘You’re lucky I don’t kick your ass right here,’ Jared seethes after me as I head to my car, but now I’m the one who barely hears him. I don’t give a shit what he wants to do to me; nothing could hurt any worse than the way I feel right now.

  The replay of the painful shake in her voice is making my ears ring as I walk to the street. It’s taking every bit of self-control not to run back and insist that she let me in. I want to bang on her door until she opens it and lets me back into her heart. The idea of her turning away from me now, when I know just how amazing we are together, puts me in a dangerous place. Swallowing hard, I know how much I need her – really need her. Not like the clown yelling at me from behind in the hall.

  Without a word to that jerk, I get in my car and I know instantly that I don’t want to go home. It’s only 6.30 p.m., and even though I’ve lost my appetite, I head for the closest diner anyway, just not to be left alone with my thoughts. When two cups of coffee and the late edition paper don’t ease the ache inside, where it feels like Tina was literally ripped away from me, I find myself regressing to old habits.

  In a lot of ways, I’m like any other hopeless junkie. When the hurt gets too big, I look for a way to soothe it and nothing is more soothing than getting off. No, it won’t be like making love to Tina. Not fucking close. But, for addicts it’s never about what the fix does for you, it’s about what it helps you forget.

  I can feel that old familiar tug. But I don’t return the flirty remarks of my waitress, who looks like she’d love to be my feel-good distraction for the night. I hold fast and take my ass home instead. I’ve been here before, and this time I’m going to try my damndest not to fall into the same self-destructive trap.

  After tossing a few bills on the counter, I abandon the newspaper and the phone number she scribbled on the check. I trade the caffeine fix for a bottle of Absolut, deciding to drown the rest of my sorrows alone.

  In the morning, I face the day like I’ve got it all under control. Same jokes tossed at gate security, before quick stepping it across the parking lot, steely-eyed with concentration for the advertising meeting planned. It’s a good act, and there isn’t anyone who would imagine I’m falling apart inside. No one, except Marilyn, who corners me in the coffee room with a few choice words.

  ‘Is there something I should know about?’ she asks with the coolness of someone who already has all the answers.

  ‘Save the bullshit, Marilyn. What are you getting at?’

  ‘You disrespect my office again with your over-anxious dick and you will be out on your ass so fast your head will spin.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I know that you’re sleeping with Tina. I can see it every time you two are in the same room. But there’s no way in hell you’re going to be fucking her in your office right under my nose.’

  My eyes narrow on her tight face. ‘You weren’t so high and mighty when you were sucking my cock in the same office, now were you?’

  ‘That was then, Jimmy. This is now, when I own your ass.’

  She’s picked the wrong time to start this conversation. ‘No, Marilyn, I own this ass, because I know you wish it was you I was fucking in my office instead.’ I’ve grabbed a handful of her butt in my fist and before I know it, I’m pressing her against the sink and tugging
on her belt. She looks pleasantly surprised, but her expression turns to outrage when the door opens and a receptionist gets an eyeful of the two of us. In that instance, I know Marilyn will try to have my head.

  ‘Get your hands off of me or I will call security,’ she sounds convincing and I know she’s serious. I step away from her, but it’s not enough to redeem her reputation. ‘You’ll be hearing from Human Resources and you can rest assured you won’t have a job by the end of the week.’

  ‘If you want a fight, Marilyn, I’ll give you one.’

  ‘Is that a threat?’

  ‘Just try me. You’d be surprised how long I keep my emails.’

  ‘This conversation is finished. You are suspended until further notice.’ She storms out of the room and the receptionist decides to pick another time to get a refill.

  For a moment, I’m frozen in my place. In less than 24 hours, my life has unravelled before me. I’m losing control and even though I can handle Marilyn, saving my job will have to wait. I have other demons to battle. Every minute that goes by, I feel like Tina is moving farther out of my reach. And the more it hurts to know she’s shutting me out, the closer I get to being swallowed up by my impulses.

  When after a week Tina hasn’t returned my calls, I resign myself to hoping she’ll at least read an email. I’ll write it over a quick bite at the greasy Cuban restaurant downtown. Then walk across the street to catch the support group for people on the edge, like me. There are bound to be a few familiar faces in the bunch. No one ever stays away for good. Eventually every addict feels the hot licks of false gratification on their skin and knows it’s time to get to a meeting before it’s too late. Sometimes just seeing someone else in the darkness where you used to be is enough to straighten you out. All I know is if I can’t get Tina to understand how much I love her, I’ll be headed back into that old abyss myself.

  I start typing. You’re mad, I get it. But, please just know that I only want you to be happy. The whole reason I set Jared up with Noemi was to prove what a cheating asshole he was. You deserve so much more than that, Tina. I know I lied to you, but I lied to myself too. I thought I could help you see the truth about him, but I only ushered you from one liar to another. I want you to be with me for the right reasons and I was about to tell you everything. So, even though you have every right to be angry, I don’t want you to be hurt. Because, Tina, I love you. I never wanted to hurt you.

  A sleazy-looking character slinks by and bumps my arm while I’m composing her email on my phone. The place is full of shady-looking dudes from the neighbourhood, and I shrug it off.

  ‘Hey, my man. You want some of this tight pussy?’ He’s standing with a skinny girl who’s probably 18 or so but looks like she’s lived at least 30 long, hard years already.

  ‘No, not interested,’ I say, getting back to finishing my email.

  ‘She’s good. Speak up, bitch, and tell him.’

  This gets my attention and I look up again, realising that the girl in the tank top and board shorts looks like she’s been crying. ‘OK,’ I say placing my phone in my pocket. ‘Let her sit down a minute and I’ll see if I want some.’

  ‘Doesn’t work like that, man.’

  ‘I just want to talk to her first. See if she’s down for what I like.’

  ‘She’s down for anything I tell her to do.’

  I look at my watch. ‘Fine, how much to let her sit down?’

  ‘30 to talk, alone. Then two Bennies for the do.’

  I flip him the 30 bucks and he lets go of her arm. She says nothing and takes a seat while her pimp makes his way back to his table.

  ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Cali.’ The reply comes on a shaky voice.

  ‘What’s your real name?’ I smile to reassure her, but she only offers silence in response to that question.

  ‘Look, I’m not interested in having sex with you. But, if you want a chance to get away from the shit you’re caught up in, I know some people across the street that can help you.’

  She looks increasingly nervous and her eyes find their way back over to her pimp. ‘He’ll kill me,’ she says finally through tight lips, to ensure he doesn’t read the words on them.

  ‘He won’t suspect a thing. I’ll pay him, then we’ll go and get you some help. Before he knows what’s going on, you’ll be safe.’

  She nods sheepishly and scratches at the tracks on her arms.

  ‘Are you ready? Let’s go.’ Grabbing her hand, I flash him a peek at the cash and we all walk outside.

  ‘$200 for two hours. Anal is an extra $50.’ The guy holds his hand out low by his side, awaiting me to pass him the rolled up bills. When he gets them, he continues with further instructions. ‘This way, follow me.’

  ‘No, I have my own spot.’

  ‘Fuck that.’

  ‘It’s cool, man. I’ll take good care of her, don’t worry.’

  ‘Hell no, she don’t go nowhere I don’t know about.’ His eyes are looking wild and I can tell he’s getting jumpy. ‘You a fucking cop?’

  ‘Me? No.’

  ‘Fuck this shit, come here, bitch.’ He snatches her by the arm and yanks her away from me.

  It’s an instinctive reaction and I know I’m not thinking logically, but I can’t just ignore the fear in her eyes. I lurch forward to grab her hand. ‘Cali, if you want to come with me, then let’s go.’

  I’m still wondering what made that loud popping noise when the pain blasts through my leg, causing me to buckle onto the sidewalk. From the corner of my eye, I see the guy dragging Cali into a car and then speeding off down the street.

  A voice shouts from the door of the restaurant. ‘Someone call 911! He’s been shot!’

  Chapter Fourteen – Tina

  ‘EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID you were through with him, Tina, I thought you should know,’ Sonya’s voice sounds like she struggled with the question of whether or not to tell me that Jimmy has been shot in the leg.

  ‘I’m on my way.’ My decision isn’t hard at all. The last week I’ve cried my eyes out every night over the rollercoaster ride that Jimmy took me on. The knowledge that he had manipulated my break-up with Jared felt like a dagger in my back. Foolishly, I thought I was somehow more important to him than that. But in the end, it seems like his games were all he ever cared about. I’m ripping down the highway toward the hospital not because I forgive him; I need to make sure he’s OK so that I can walk away from this with a clean conscience.

  ‘When they admitted him in Emergency, I was just heading out for my smoke break.’ Sonya pauses, knowing what I’m thinking. ‘Yeah, I started again.’

  ‘They’re your lungs, girl. Pollute them if you want to.’

  ‘I had no idea who he was until I heard him give your name to the admitting agent as the person they should notify.’

  As I get closer to the hospital, I can feel my heartbeat elevating.

  ‘So, I take a good look at him and I know it must be Jimmy. What other super-fine white guy is going to be asking to call Tina Rawlings?’

  This makes me laugh a bit.

  She continues, ‘I told her I would get the rest of his info and give you a call.’

  ‘She just let you take over?’

  ‘I’m an RN, Tina. That part-time peon can’t say shit to me.’

  ‘So what did he say when you told him you knew me?’

  ‘I didn’t tell him anything of the sort. Basically, I just listened.’

  Signs mark the next junction ahead. Soon I’ll be looking him in the eye and making up my mind if I can walk away from him for good.

  ‘Look, Tina, I know I was never a fan of his. I didn’t like the effect he had on you.’

  ‘But?’

  ‘But, when I asked him who you were to him, he said that you were the reason he was glad the bullet wasn’t buried in his heart.’

  Those words send chills up my spine and soften my resolve. Poor Jimmy.

  ‘He asked me if I had ever been so much in love, the onl
y thing that mattered was if that person was smiling. Then he told me he’d done the unthinkable and taken that smile away.’

  I can feel the tears stinging my eyes as I turn towards the connecting highway.

  ‘Tina, he looked so damn pitiful, and not because he has a hole in his thigh the size of a dime.’

  This brought another teary chuckle to my lips. ‘Sonya, what am I going to do?’

  ‘You’re going to talk to him, Tina. Just talk to him.’

  Traffic has slowed to a standstill and I’m trapped on the throughway with no recourse but to simply wait for the tow-trucks to clear the accident ahead. The delay is infuriating and my palms are burning from gripping the steering wheel so hard. When I finally walk through the sliding doors to the emergency room an hour later, I know that she’s right.

  The hospital’s sterile lighting bathes the path ahead of me in a wash of despair. My stomach is fluttering; nervous, anxious and desperate to see him. With a few inquiries at the reception desk, I’m on my way to confirm what I suspected deep down all along: there’s no way I can shut him out.

  When I arrive at his bed location, the curtain is closed. I take a breath and open it to find that the bed is empty.

  ‘Excuse me,’ I say to a passing nurse. ‘Do you know where the man who was here has gone? The name is Andros, James Andros.’

  ‘The gunshot? He’s in surgery.’

  ‘Can you find out how he’s doing?’

  She looks at me with a doubtful expression.’ Are you a family member?’

  ‘No, but ...’

  ‘I’m sorry. You will have to wait until the doctor gets permission to speak to you.’ She looks past me at the clock on the wall, apparently more interested in the end of her shift than helping me with what I want to know.

  I grab my cellphone and dial Sonya.

  ‘Miss, you can’t use that in here,’ the nurse informs me coolly.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I say to her as I press the receiver to my ear. But it goes to voicemail. ‘What floor is ICU on?’ I ask her in a way that forces her to answer, whether she wants to or not.